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Topic: Me And My Rants (Read 240 times)
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Ice~Angel67
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Posts: 35
Lost in time and space trying to go on
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Wow Feruary 21.... I'm sorry I have been gone so long. Shit really hit the fan.
There was a fight.. a Huge fight between me and Matt. (Thats Shawns dad/ ex boyfriend) I found out he was "looking for girls who like to have a good time, party and do drugs. I'm looking for a girl to keep up with me." His words exactly writen that morning on his Nex page. My friend Nigel brought it to my attention. I didn't want to belive it at first. I wanted it to be that nigel was just trying to split us up. So I called Matt, calm and collected and asked him when the lasttime he had been on Nex, His answer coinsiding with the time on the page. Then I asked him what his username was, his answer also matching the page. Thats when I snapped, though I didn't yell. I couldn't stop crying as I read his words back to him, calling him out. Then he has the nerve to tell me that he didn't write that... Then hang up on me. I waited. He came home at two. Went to bed. I waited not sleeping. Then he gets up and refuses to talk to me. I just wanted to know why.. that maybe there was a reason that he could say I love you before he leaves for work knowing what he wrote that morning. He yelled at me, told me he wasn't going to talk to me.
I felt it happen. Like my soul was floating a foot or two behind me watching my self. I snapped. I couldn't help it and all the anger and hurt that I had been holding back, snapped the barrier. I screamed I stompped I threw things, I put multipule holes in the walls. I shoved his mom, who I had been harassed by for the past two weeks with no comment or glance. I just let it roll off me.. or so I had thought. Everything that was trapped inside now knew freedom. My temper Tantrum knew no bounderies as I stormed through the house grabbing just essentials. Two garbage bags and my cat carrier later I was sitting at a bus stop down the street, hurt and broken. I could do nothing but cry. I had left my cell phone at the house and didn't dare to go back to get it. I felt so hurt. A lady found me, and Surprise! she was a social worker. She helped me back to her house and even gave ninja a bowl of milk. She got me a place at Avenue 15, the youth homless shelter downtown. She drove me there stopping to buy the biggest hot chocolate avalible, and to be honest I think there might have been more whipped cream then drink.
It didn't really sink in that I was alone unitl after Anthony came and picked me up at about 6:30pm. he tried and tried to find me a place to stay with no pervail. He dropped me back off at the shealter at 1am. They held my bed just in case. After my intake and paperwork was done, I got my room and passed out. They legally have to give you 8 hours of sleep, but all the kids get kicked out at 9am. So when I woke up at nine, there was just scilence and noone else there. I Cried. I bawled actually. I was at the stupid homless shealter again, sleeping on stupid plastic sheets and pillows again, with all the stupid 14 year old homless skids Again. I swore This would never happen...
But in a week I had a job, and i was waiting to hear back from 2 programs that are desinged to intergrate homless teens off the street into independant living. I finally got into one. Its for homless teen girls. Its in the YWCA building behind the Libary downtown. Safe Haven.
But though all of this, the hurt, the fights, the betrayal, the wanting to not live anymore, I honestly just want my life back. I can feel my heart breaking inside and my brain frying itself going over what could have or should have been and what I want so bad now. I want him to call me, to say he sorry and just to be with him again. I've lost myself so many times. I have done large amounts of coke that I didn't even have to pay for and been drunk on drinks that I also didn't have to pay for. People see me and try to take advantage of me, and sometimes I let them... I don't know who I am anymore, or what I actually want. I've fallen appart from the inside, not letting anyone see whats actually happening. Sometimes I feel like The God Of Death or the Perfect Soldier. I forget how it was when I thought life was good. I scared for myself.. I really am... I've screwed it up with alot of friends and now I'm alone. I don't want to even try anymore. My life, my past, my mistakes are all catching up with me at once. I have no one left to share my victories with no matter how small. And the worst part is, I know its my fault.
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Logged
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"A life with love may have some thorns but a life with out love will have no roses" -Kurama
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